Around The World

These past few days have been pretty great. Beginning with Thursday when it started to rain from a blue sky. I don't see that happen very often, but I love it when it does. It's a natural thing, but doesn't seem so at the time, but it's just gorgeous. Then it went so far as to lightning from the blue sky. Wow. Amazing. I wish that happened more often.

Then on Friday I took a nap, which I hadn't done in a long time. I love naps because of the state of sleep that you're in. It's not extremely deep and you have wonderful dreams about people you know. Then when you wake up, you don't quite remember what you dreamed about, but the image of the person you dreamed of is so clearly seared into the front of your mind. So when I woke up Laura's face was right there in my mind to greet me. So although I don't know what I dreamed of, I DO know that Laura was there and she was on my mind for the rest of the day...I miss her.

Can you love someone that you've never met? I think so. I dream of him and I and all that we could be. I dream about meeting him, dating, marriage, and children. It's quite hasty to think so far ahead with someone you have never met, but that just makes me feel like maybe it's meant to be...in time. Thoughts of him and I together have gotten me through the long days, and lonely nights, at work. Even at home I'm lonely for me and long to be in his arms. I know he is a special amazing guy... I can't wait until we are both well enough for a relationship. Once we both are back on track maybe we will finally meet and get something started. I want that so badly...maybe more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. If I'm so passionate now...it'll be amazing if we actually ended up together. Please, God...let him be the one and lead us to one another!

Grey Gardens...my new favorite musical soundtrack. Wow. So deep and emotional. I find traces of myself in Little Edie's words and songs. Not exactly a good thing, but it's still so wonderful.

Edie Beale, 'Around the World' (from Grey Gardens)

I feel very strongly about mementos. Memorabilia, I guess you call it.

Around the world is what I call my wall of special things.
Around the world with rose bouquets, I dried and tied on strings.
A silver mask from a masquerade, around and round I twirled.
You tack the up so you can twirl around the world...

Around the world with stones and shells; the nicest one I lost.
Around the world without a boat, I'm just a quote from Frost.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood; a lovely crossing on.
Around the world, the world around the attic wall.

Around the world there isn't room for every special thing.
Around the world you choose a few to make the music sing.
A silver mask from a masquerade, around and round I twirled.
You tack them up, so when you go, the world will be the one you know.
A birdcage I plan to hang, I'll get to that someday.
A birdcage for a bird who flew away...
Around the world.

Christine Ebersole's voice is angelic. So perfect... I love her in these roles. It's amzing how she can play two radically different characters in the same show and do it so well. I want to be more like her. She's simply the best.

The Love That I Never Knew

I feel very ugly today. I have a warm beautiful light glowing within me that I just want to share with a lover, and one day, our children. Glowing so brightly on the inside but it can't break through my average exterior. It isn't fair that the first thing you see about a person is how they look because that has nothing to do with who they are. All the time I hear about how the most gorgeous girls are really mean divas, but they're never lonely because they're just so beautiful. Why can't my heart shine through to my face so people will notice me and see what wonders I have inside? My entire life I've grown up with a close cousin who is pretty and she is never without a boyfriend. She's getting married in two years and is going to pull ahead of me. My younger cousin will marry before I because she's so pretty and gets guy after guy when I can't even get one.

I'm tired of hearing that I "could get a boyfriend if I wanted to", and that I "don't even try". I try, and I do want one, but they have to want you back and that doesn't happen. I talk to guys at school, but when I'm out of sight I'm out of their mind because there are prettier girls out there to socialize with. Why do you have to be "hott" just so someone will talk to you?

If things continue this way (as they have my whole life) I think I'm going to have a sad and lonely future... although that's no different from what I live presently.

It's childish and foolish to rant about something like this but I just have to. It's eating me alive and this is the only way I know to get some of that hurt out. I often wonder if I were thinner, or had straight hair, or a different eye color, or a cute smile if things would be different. Sometimes I wish I could change all of these variables to see if it's just my looks or if it's just me in general. Somehow I think it's 50/50. Perhaps some people are just unlovable before they have even done anything to not deserve to be loved.

Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means."
~What Love Really Means. -JJ Heller

Ruth

I was thinking of Ruth today. My "Nanny." I smile despite the tears that rise in my eyes to even write that name. Memories so good, but so heartbreaking to be away. When she said goodbye to me she held my face in her hands then my body in her arms. I got into my car and was sobbing before I even reached the freeway; big crocodile tears with the vocal moaning people tend to use when they fake cry. I kept crying out her name "Nanny, Nanny," "I want my Nanny." I couldn't control myself...or maybe I just didn't want to. I've never cried so hard in my life. Sometimes, on nights similar to this, I'll be watching t.v or washing the dishes and I'll think of her; I'll think of her smile, her eyes so full of love...the real thing, the way her arms seem to envelop me: protecting me from anything outside of them...and I'll cry. My heart bursts with love and with sorrow.

Tonight was one of those nights. The very second the first tear was about to fall my phone rings. "Nanny Ruth" it says. In that instant tears of sorrow turned to tears of joy before they could even fall. I was excited beyond description. Oh Lord, to hear her voice again... she sounds exactly the same. I closed my eyes and listened to her voice and it was like she was right there with me once again. We talked for an hour; it was nothing short of bliss. We plan to see each other next week. I can't wait...I love my "Nanny." I love you, Ruth.

And oh, I thank God for His love, His kindness, His perfect timing. When I told her I was glad she called she said she just felt like she needed to tonight. That feeling came from God I know it. He gave her her heart too. A heart that loves so fully and without judgment. She makes me feel like a child who just wants to sit on her lap or next to her in a big chair and have her call me honey and pet my hair and talk about things and hold me if I cry. Speaking to her on the phone did wonders for me...for my heart.

I know that tomorrow I'll wake to smiles all over my pillow.

Childhood's End

My blackening balloon hides of the ceiling
they can't reach the string
but we can't stop the peeling.

I took my black balloon to the beach
and tied to my wrist we splashed in the sea.
They're getting close, you're almost in their reach
I know one day I will have to set you free.

I'll cling to your string if you fly me away,
or maybe we'll just run in the other direction.
Just stay on our path and never stray
race as fast as we can to the inevitable intersection.

We were jettisoned into the eye of the storm
I land on a bed of leaves....you on a single thorn.
This is your end, as the air flows from your tiny hole, you lose your perfect form
I'll hold you until you're gone; my world, my friend, since the day I was born.

Friends Forever

Today I found a paper that I wrote some time ago. It's not dated, but I know exactly when it's from...it's from when I didn't have the friends I have now. Real friends. It's from a time when I dreaded being with those I called "friends." They weren't my friends... I always thought they were, as they were all I had, but now that I have the people I do, I can't help but smile to see the change in me since I wrote this dreadful paper....


I'm in one of my moods. Feelings of sadness overwhelm me at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes I wonder if social situations depress me. When the feelings hit, all at once and so powerfully like a tsunami, all I want to do is stay home and write. Or maybe this is what creativity feels like. After all, I do my best writing when I'm feeling this way. Maybe my creativity is just stubborn: only wanting to make an appearance when I don't have time to cater to it. Or maybe it's just a chain created by my insecurities....

Social Situation -> Insecurity -> Becoming Upset -> Creativity.

If I were a robot that would be the code for programing me to work efficiently.

Friday night boredom, loneliness, having a bad hair day, people who insist upon making nasty comments.... It's all just fuel to the fire of my soul which i must then spill out onto unsuspecting pages.

I've never felt this way with any of my new friends...not once. Why? Because I know they like me for ME. I don't have to do things I don't want to do to make them like me. I don't have to be a bully to fit in with them. I never knew friendship could be so utterly blissful until I found these true friends. I've learned what it means to be a friend, and that "good friends" don't just exist on tv. Every tear, struggle, disappointment and heartache I ever suffered with old friends seems so far away and long ago... almost forgotten until finding this note to myself. But I'm glad I found it. Such a perfect reminder of hard times past, and bringing the revelation of this blessing I've been given... the blessing of true friendships.

All my love to: Angela, Kelli, Kesha, Katie, "Ashley Cousin," Alicia, Ashley, Jason, and Amanda. I love you all...the first true friends I've ever really had.

Letters to God

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." John 14:1.

Not three minutes after I got into my car I heard this Bible verse on KLOVE. It's so amazing how God listens and puts little messages, or even straight scripture out there for you to stumble upon when you need it most. Right then and there I decided to trust God completely with Kesha, and gave everything over to Him. I feel so much better and I can have real honest hope now that I've given every worry over to Him. I can focus on all of the good that can happen..and I believe it really will.

Dear God,

Thank you for hearing our prayers for our dear Kesha. The news today was hopeful, and I pray that tomorrow all of her relentless pain will be gone. Please continue to comfort her and be with her tonight and through the surgery tomorrow. Remind her that you're there and to keep on trusting in you...she really does. I pray that he surgery goes well, as I know there are risks with any surgery. Guide the doctors hands to do the job right, and keep a protective hand upon Kesha. I pray that the surgery will be a success and she will recover just fine, effortlessly, and with little or even NO pain. I also pray that the biopsy results come back clean and positive. Give Ronnie strength as he deals with her being sick. Thank you God for never going back on your promises, and I know you're always with us and with her. I also thank you for your Word, God, as it has offered great comfort during this time of great fear for me. You always know exactly what you're doing and I know you put this passage of your Word on the radio right when I needed to hear it. Thank you for your reminders and continue to guide me with your strong hand. I put my trust in you God...help me to do that everyday, as I know I'll slip back into constant worry for my dear cousin. I just love her so much. And God...I know you're hearing this written prayer, and the one from yesterday, and all others I have written to you. You gave me this gift of words and the gift of expressing myself best through writing; I truly believe you're hearing every word as I write it...my own personal way of praying. I praise you for your comfort, your protection, and your love. I dedicate this entire prayer to Kesha and Ronnie; I know you hear it and will do the very best for her.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Dear God,

Be with her. Send your angels to hold her hand through all of this. Please God... if nothing else just take away her pain. She's been in so much pain for so long... please just take it away. If someone must have it just give it to me. I would willingly take it as long as she wouldn't have to feel it anymore. I pray that it's nothing too extremely serious. Don't let it be her cancer from so long ago. You saved her from that, the doctors called her a miracle, don't give it back to her now. I beg of you. I love her so much God. She's done wonders for me, and a big reason why I decided to come back into your arms. Don't take her from me. From anyone...as she is loved by so many. I know your plans are perfect, and everything happens in your perfect timing...but in my heart of hearts I just can't believe it's her time. I don't even know if the situation could be serious enough to cause her death God, but if it is I just pray that you don't let it happen. Not this way...not now. I want to see her again. Alive and well. You know how strong my love for people is, you gave me this heart, and I want to be near her again one day. Not standing over her casket...but sitting next to her eating the ice cream we both love so much. She's become so important to me. More than just a distant cousin...she's become my mother, my sister, my spiritual leader, my confidante...my friend somehow all wrapped into one. A blessing to my life and to so many others. I know she's wonderful and I bet you can't wait to get her back up to Heaven with you...but forgive me Lord as I be a little selfish and ask you to keep her here. God, I don't even know if she's dying but it's all I can seem to think about. Please calm that fear in me and help me to be hopeful, optimistic, strong and trust completely in you. Guide the doctor's hands and help them to do the very best for her. Be with Kesha, Ronnie, and our entire family. We trust in you God. Please take care of her...my angel on Earth.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.