The Love That I Never Knew

I feel very ugly today. I have a warm beautiful light glowing within me that I just want to share with a lover, and one day, our children. Glowing so brightly on the inside but it can't break through my average exterior. It isn't fair that the first thing you see about a person is how they look because that has nothing to do with who they are. All the time I hear about how the most gorgeous girls are really mean divas, but they're never lonely because they're just so beautiful. Why can't my heart shine through to my face so people will notice me and see what wonders I have inside? My entire life I've grown up with a close cousin who is pretty and she is never without a boyfriend. She's getting married in two years and is going to pull ahead of me. My younger cousin will marry before I because she's so pretty and gets guy after guy when I can't even get one.

I'm tired of hearing that I "could get a boyfriend if I wanted to", and that I "don't even try". I try, and I do want one, but they have to want you back and that doesn't happen. I talk to guys at school, but when I'm out of sight I'm out of their mind because there are prettier girls out there to socialize with. Why do you have to be "hott" just so someone will talk to you?

If things continue this way (as they have my whole life) I think I'm going to have a sad and lonely future... although that's no different from what I live presently.

It's childish and foolish to rant about something like this but I just have to. It's eating me alive and this is the only way I know to get some of that hurt out. I often wonder if I were thinner, or had straight hair, or a different eye color, or a cute smile if things would be different. Sometimes I wish I could change all of these variables to see if it's just my looks or if it's just me in general. Somehow I think it's 50/50. Perhaps some people are just unlovable before they have even done anything to not deserve to be loved.

Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means."
~What Love Really Means. -JJ Heller