Around The World

These past few days have been pretty great. Beginning with Thursday when it started to rain from a blue sky. I don't see that happen very often, but I love it when it does. It's a natural thing, but doesn't seem so at the time, but it's just gorgeous. Then it went so far as to lightning from the blue sky. Wow. Amazing. I wish that happened more often.

Then on Friday I took a nap, which I hadn't done in a long time. I love naps because of the state of sleep that you're in. It's not extremely deep and you have wonderful dreams about people you know. Then when you wake up, you don't quite remember what you dreamed about, but the image of the person you dreamed of is so clearly seared into the front of your mind. So when I woke up Laura's face was right there in my mind to greet me. So although I don't know what I dreamed of, I DO know that Laura was there and she was on my mind for the rest of the day...I miss her.

Can you love someone that you've never met? I think so. I dream of him and I and all that we could be. I dream about meeting him, dating, marriage, and children. It's quite hasty to think so far ahead with someone you have never met, but that just makes me feel like maybe it's meant to be...in time. Thoughts of him and I together have gotten me through the long days, and lonely nights, at work. Even at home I'm lonely for me and long to be in his arms. I know he is a special amazing guy... I can't wait until we are both well enough for a relationship. Once we both are back on track maybe we will finally meet and get something started. I want that so badly...maybe more than anything I have ever wanted in my entire life. If I'm so passionate now...it'll be amazing if we actually ended up together. Please, God...let him be the one and lead us to one another!

Grey Gardens...my new favorite musical soundtrack. Wow. So deep and emotional. I find traces of myself in Little Edie's words and songs. Not exactly a good thing, but it's still so wonderful.

Edie Beale, 'Around the World' (from Grey Gardens)

I feel very strongly about mementos. Memorabilia, I guess you call it.

Around the world is what I call my wall of special things.
Around the world with rose bouquets, I dried and tied on strings.
A silver mask from a masquerade, around and round I twirled.
You tack the up so you can twirl around the world...

Around the world with stones and shells; the nicest one I lost.
Around the world without a boat, I'm just a quote from Frost.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood; a lovely crossing on.
Around the world, the world around the attic wall.

Around the world there isn't room for every special thing.
Around the world you choose a few to make the music sing.
A silver mask from a masquerade, around and round I twirled.
You tack them up, so when you go, the world will be the one you know.
A birdcage I plan to hang, I'll get to that someday.
A birdcage for a bird who flew away...
Around the world.

Christine Ebersole's voice is angelic. So perfect... I love her in these roles. It's amzing how she can play two radically different characters in the same show and do it so well. I want to be more like her. She's simply the best.

The Love That I Never Knew

I feel very ugly today. I have a warm beautiful light glowing within me that I just want to share with a lover, and one day, our children. Glowing so brightly on the inside but it can't break through my average exterior. It isn't fair that the first thing you see about a person is how they look because that has nothing to do with who they are. All the time I hear about how the most gorgeous girls are really mean divas, but they're never lonely because they're just so beautiful. Why can't my heart shine through to my face so people will notice me and see what wonders I have inside? My entire life I've grown up with a close cousin who is pretty and she is never without a boyfriend. She's getting married in two years and is going to pull ahead of me. My younger cousin will marry before I because she's so pretty and gets guy after guy when I can't even get one.

I'm tired of hearing that I "could get a boyfriend if I wanted to", and that I "don't even try". I try, and I do want one, but they have to want you back and that doesn't happen. I talk to guys at school, but when I'm out of sight I'm out of their mind because there are prettier girls out there to socialize with. Why do you have to be "hott" just so someone will talk to you?

If things continue this way (as they have my whole life) I think I'm going to have a sad and lonely future... although that's no different from what I live presently.

It's childish and foolish to rant about something like this but I just have to. It's eating me alive and this is the only way I know to get some of that hurt out. I often wonder if I were thinner, or had straight hair, or a different eye color, or a cute smile if things would be different. Sometimes I wish I could change all of these variables to see if it's just my looks or if it's just me in general. Somehow I think it's 50/50. Perhaps some people are just unlovable before they have even done anything to not deserve to be loved.

Who will love me for me? Not for what I have done or what I will become. Who will love me for me? Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really means."
~What Love Really Means. -JJ Heller