What I Don't Understand

I don't understand this world. I can't get a grasp on the place I have always lived in and always will live in. I can't understand why terrible things happen... today is my own personal remembrance day. Today I have shed many tears for three people, three deaths that I don't understand, and I know I never will.







1. JonBenet Ramsey. She was six years old. SIX. A baby really, a beautiful little baby, and someone drags her down to her basement, on Christmas, and brutally murders and rapes her. A little girl. She would be about my age now. For some reason she jumped into my thoughts today and I made the mistake of looking at pictures from her crime scene. Seeing her broken little body, cracked skull... I don't even want to write about it. Words can not express how terrible this is... why did she have to die? In such a terrible way no less. I want her killer found. I want whomever hurt this little girl to pay for what they did. I can't help crying when I think about how the last moments of her short life must have been for her. She must have been so scared... I'm done. I can't think about this anymore. I can't take it when people hurt children... and this was so much more than hurt.



2. My uncle Gary. His death has effected me so much more than I ever dreamed. I was OK at first, but the sadness is hitting me now, months after, just like when grandpa died. Death, and the sorrow that comes with it always hits me the hardest a long time after. I miss him. He always said the prayer at family holiday gatherings. I missed that this Christmas. I remember he had to get me out of the snowdrift I drove into in their driveway; in pitch darkness no less. I remember lighting fireworks at their house, and him trading his milk chocolate covered cherries for my dark chocolate ones. I hate dark chocolate and he liked it. I'm mad that he had to die when I believed and prayed so hard that he wouldn't. He did nothing to bring that on... yet Pam WILLINGLY does heroin and ends up giving herself a stroke from it and lives. Why is it that way? Nothing seems fair.

3. Heather Pick. My hero since middle school. I religiously watched her on the news every morning; she was my absolute favorite news anchor, and I so wanted to be like her. I considered her a role model, and absorbed everything she did and I dreamed of being like her one day. I found this link on the 10tv website where you could email her. I wanted to. I just wanted to tell her that I admire her, and that she is my inspiration to be a future news anchor. I never did it. I was too shy at the time... why didn't I just do it anyway? I don't even know who they hired to take her place... I stopped watching the news when she passed away. I couldn't handle watching and not seeing her face every morning, hearing her voice, seeing her smile. I searched the Internet today to find a video of her... I just wanted to hear her voice; I had forgotten what she sounds like. I found one and remembered immediately. She had little kids, she was married, she was young, she was my hero, all these reasons and more... I can't understand why she had to die. I can't even go to Columbus anymore without thinking about her, and sometimes I like it that way. I know I will never forget Heather, but it's nice to be reminded from time to time. I will always miss her, remember her, and she will always be one of my heroes.

Heather Pick (1970-2008)

You will always be loved, remembered, and missed.

These Dreams

A few months ago while I slept I had a dream that I was cast as Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker. Beth, naturally, was cast as Annie Sullivan and Sarah as Mrs. Keller. Well, last night I dreamed of a first rehearsal for The Miracle Worker. It was so weird. Everyone was in the same role as in the first dream, and it was like a continuation of the first dream I had a long time ago. I guess subconsciously I really want to play Helen Keller, but I know I never will unless I come across an all adult production of it... otherwise I don't have a chance! I guess that will only happen in my dreams, but either way I'm glad it's at least happening somewhere.


"These dreams go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night I live another life. These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside. Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away."

This Day in History... December 9th 2009

There's a relentless wind blowing so hard the lights flicker and trees scream for mercy. Cars can't drive in a straight line, and I flinch driving under traffic lights, convinced one is going to break off and fall onto my car. People stumble around as if drunk just trying to keep their balance while walking around. Traffic lights were out so poor police officers had to brave the winds just to direct us safely through the intersection.

The snow serpents have boldly come out from their spring/summer/fall hibernation and slither across the roadway only to be run over by passing vehicles. Somehow, they always regroup and escape unharmed. I'm fascinated with them.

I heard Simple Minds "Don't You Forget About Me" twice on the way home from two different radio stations, exams are over and I'm done with school till January.

Driving at night while it's snowing looks like you are driving straight through the stars.


"Don't you forget about me. I'll be alone dancing, you know it, baby. Going to take you apart. I'll put us back together at heart, baby."

Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving and my birthday all happening within the same week it's really made me think, despite my current situation, about what I'm thankful for and what I value in my life.


5 Things I am Thankful For

1. My friends. I may not have many, but I've discovered that it doesn't matter because the few that I have are top notch. The best, no exaggeration. Before this week of endless pondering I was so glad to have them, but wished I had more. Now I know that even if I never make another friend in my life as long as I keep the ones I have now I'll be very rich. Like "they" always say... it's quality not quantity. I now know how blessed I am to have them, even if they are few. They're the best, and what more could I ask for? I could write novels on them, and still never be able to express how much I value and love them; so this will just have to do. All my love to Angela, Ashley Cousin, Ashley, and Amanda. My angels in disguise.

2. That my Dad and I are seeming to... dare I say... connect? The other day when I came home from work he actually turned off the TV and talked to me... just talked. I sat on the couch with him and we had a nice conversation with many laughs. It was strange just sitting and talking to him, but it was really nice too. In the days that have followed he is talking to me more than ever, nothing emotional or personal, but it's a start. He seems to be a whole different person. I don't know what's going on, but I hope it never goes away. I like having a Dad who is like this compared to how he was in the past.

3. I'm thankful for the thoughts that are coming out of being so sick all the time. It's hard to say I am glad for this in itself... because I'm not. I'm glad for what it has forced me to think about, and what realizations have come from it. Among other things, I've thought a lot about quality of life; whether this is worth living. As much as I thought it wasn't... I know that it really is. Take illness from the picture and look at all the positive that I have. I feel ashamed that I let all this cover it all up, but I'm coming to learn who I want to be. I've sat back and watched myself fall so far into sorrow that I felt on the brink of taking my own life. I hated my life and who I was. I wanted to give up. In God's perfect timing, on one of my worst days, he put "The Words I Would Say" by The Sidewalk Prophets on the radio and it totally changed by outlook on things.

"Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things I already know. God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget, but don't forget why you're here..."

It really made me think. Just because I'm going through a hard time right now doesn't mean my life is over. I may have to make adjustments, or it may go away soon. I don't know. All I know is that I can't give up hope, and I never will. I know I'm still going to have bad days, and probably get those feelings back, but I'm never going to let things get so out of control again to where I seriously consider hurting myself. I have so many other things causing me pain right now, I don't want to contribute. And no matter how many times I wish I were dead, even long for death, I will never end my life myself. I want to be stronger than that.Things WILL get better and I don't want to be gone and miss it all.

4. Music. As I mentioned before it makes me think. Also, it's become my comfort over the years. Often times when I was upset, and I had no one to help me, the only person there for me was me.... and music. Music developed into that kind word or simple hug I was longing for. Hearing my voice alongside the singer's, feeling the vibration in my throat and on my lips does wonders for me. I don't even have to be singing a song that has any relevance to the situation; merely just a great tune, or one that I really believe in will do the trick. I'll sing, loudly, off key, full of emotion, and I'll cry, or feel so much better when I'm done. It's just like telling my problems to someone; good therapy. Music is the friend that you can call at 3a.m, and is never ever busy. It's very life purpose is to comfort you anytime you need it. Music had always been a comfort and I know that will never change.

5. My job. It may be boring at times, but I still love it. I love working with people, and I love working around so many books. It's so perfect that I have a job that will fund college and that I actually enjoy. I'm not thankful that the store is closing soon, but I am glad to have had it for a while then not at all. I like the people I work with, and I will be sad to say goodbye.

There are so many things I am thankful for, but I think it might be impossible, and pointless to list them all. The five above are the biggest things right now, so that will suffice.

6. I'm thankful for this list. It's just a reminder of the good things I have and really made me sit and think about all the blessings that I have.

What I'm tired of... no holding back

So much... so much everything. I'm so close to the point of not being able to take it anymore. This week has been terrible, and it's really opened my eyes to myself and who I am becoming; or maybe who I have always been.

Everything is just so wrong. I'm so tired all the time. Physically and emotionally. I'm to the point where I don't even want to get up out of bed anymore because I know I'm getting up to a bad day no matter how hard I try to make it good. I'm always on the edge and any ordinary thing makes me cry. My temper is massive short. I walk around feeling as if I have not slept in days and nothing gets my energy level up. I'll go a while feeling great then wake one morning sick all over again. Will it never end?

I'm tired of people telling me that things I care about are "no big deal." Yes, no big deal even though you can clearly see I am upset... yeah... not a problem for YOU! But for me it's the world. I wish I could be understood.

I'm tired of my aunts talking behind my back saying "Why won't Jenny date anyone?" WHY? Probably because ( and you wouldn't know because you don't care enough to know me) I am NOT like Ashley, or any of my cousins. That's why. I'm not this pretty little girl who can get pretty much any guy she wants. Why won't I date anyone? No one has ever asked. No one cares or is interested. If you would ask me instead of gossiping about me I could tell you all this. I would tell you that dating is a mutual thing and as much as I would love a boyfriend, someone has to feel the same way; which they don't... they never have.

I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I can't even type that word now without crying. Loneliness is the worst thing for me right now. I don't know whats so wrong with me that I'm not good enough to date or be a friend to. The VERY few friends I have I can't understand. Why are THEY friends with me when others are not? What do they see in me? Or what are they missing that everyone else in the world can see? But as much as I don't understand, I praise God everyday for them. One in particular. For without her, I would truely be alone in all of this.

I'm tired of crying; I can't seem to stop. I cry because I'm lonely, I'm sick, I'm tired, because I'm alive... Sometimes even the simple everyday things make me cry. A N Y T H I N G. I can look at the clock and tear up... I'm crying several times a day, and I'm getting headaches from it. Who am I becoming? For a while there I was so happy, and I liked who I was.... then all of this sickness crap hit and it's completely changed me. One day I will be happy as a lark, and the next be so sad that I really want to die. I'm afraid of my thoughts... I'm afriad of myself.

I'm tired of vomit. I feel like the better part of my life is being spend in a bathroom with my head in a toilet. It's hurting me on so many levels. I constantly have sore throats from stomach acid, and I fear throat cancer in the future. And when I don't feel well I cry. And I think about dying. I have moved past thinking about just being dead, by an accident or something, to dying by my own hand. Right now I feel that it's not worth it. Who wants to live out a sad, lonely, sickness filled, miserable life? I could so easily end it all, I'm so powerful, and that scares me. Which brings me back to that friend... when I am at my lowest wanting to die I think about her, how much I love her, how happy she makes me, what she means to me, what she has done for me, and I know despite all the sorrow, she's worth sticking around for. Maybe the only thing worth sticking around for right now. I know God brought her to me for this reason. Literally, we had been friends for a few weeks before all of this happened, and she's the only one I can talk to. I cringe to think what state I would be in if we had never met. She keeps me grounded, and a little less alone. More about her later.

Tired is my world... for this week anyway. Things change so quickly, so I have hope that next week, or even tomorrow, will be better. I may regret posting this... but it's who I am, what I am feeling. If I don't get this out it may just keep building until I burst from all the pressure.


On a happy note... there was the cutest little baby at work today. A little Mexican girl with jet black hair running as best as she could being only 2 years old. She was so happy, and so excited to see everything and everybody. She made me smile and giggle, she was just so adorable. Plus there were lots of children all dressed up to get pictures with Santa. They all looked so precious.

Haunted

A long time ago I had a nightmare about a little girl in a dirty white dress with long black hair; it was terrifying. No matter where I went she was always there; killed in so many ways. I would walk into a bathroom and find her bludgeoned to death. B l o o d y, b l u d g e o n e d, b a t h r o o m. Or I would be in a car and see her hanging from a tree. Somehow though she was never fully dead, and always looked up at me with dark eyes; like she wanted me to find out who kept killing her. Finally, I'm in a car and she's standing by the road with that terrible look on her face, and suddenly she's standing right in front of the car and I hit her and kill her. I realize that the person who keeps hurting, keeps killing, her is me.

That dream has stuck with me and she pops back into my head uninvited every so often. Recently, I keep seeing things, ordinary things, that remind me of her again. This house near mine that I often drive by put this plastic skeleton in their tree for Halloween.... and it's still there. It creeps me out. I saw it swinging in the breeze and suddenly it was that little girl hanging from the tree. I was convinced that a few seconds later she would suddenly be standing in front of my car and I was going to hit her... her final death of so many. I really wish they would take it down.

I had this dream long before the movie "The Ring" ever came out, and when I saw that movie years ago, and saw that little girl who had long dark hair and a white dress I almost lost it. I wonder if my dream meant something... or if little girls with dark hair in dirty white dresses are just the norm of scary.

Lift Up Your Head and Sing

Today on the drive home from school I discovered the radio station KLove. I must say listening to that station made me so happy. I didn't know every song, but the ones I did know I sang my heart out to. My heart out to God. It was like my own little praise and worship service right there in my car, and I didn't have to worry about hitting any or all of the notes. It was just me singing to God. It was lovely.

"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord , all the Earth worship the Lord with gladness; come into his presence with singing."

Then I looked up into the sky and the sun was poking down through the clouds in such a way that is often associated with God. It's the streaks on light that come from behind the clouds and seem to reach all the way to the ground. It was perfect and beautiful. I wanted to get a picture of it, but by the time I got home the clouds had moved, and it was gone.

"Lift your voice to Heaven, lift up your head and sing to the one who gave his love. This is our offering." Open Skies by David Crowder.


One a side note I heard the sound of our smoke detectors screaming for the first time. It wasn't like I thought they would sound like... different somehow, and I can't even remember what it sounded like anymore. I heard them screaming in protest to the smoke, and I knew my Dad must be attempting dinner... I was right. :)

Andrew

It's like magic. I post a blog about missing this boy, and today I walk into class and there he sits in this purple outfit and purple shoes...my favorite color. And his name is Andrew. It felt like home to see his smile again, and like always when he laughed or smiled I did too. Everyone laughs when he does. He's great.


I have often wondered about the people on the road when I drive. Who are they? What's their story? Where are they going? Why is this woman driving down the road and sobbing? "How can she even see to drive?" Poor woman. I hope whatever was wrong turns out ok... I should pray for her.

And now for the segment "random song lyrics of the day that I hear on my 45 minute drive to school!"

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you."

I miss you boy.

I'm finding that I really miss the boy who sat two seats over from me in math. I don't even know his name, I never spoke to him, but I miss him... a lot. I don't even know if he dropped the class, or was deployed. I did hear him talking to our professor about being in the military and deployment soon. :( If that's the case I hope he's ok.


Things I miss about this boy...

1. His sweet baby smile. He smiles, and suddenly you are too. It's like looking at an adorable little baby smiling at you.

2. The way he speaks. I love the way he pronounces words, with his "black accent"... I especially miss him saying the words "negative two." "A negative times a negative is always a positive."

3. I also miss all his phrases. "Ah, my bad." "You would get two... negative two my bad." "Wait how did you get that?" *Professor gets about halfway through the explaination* "Ah, I see! My bad." I laugh.

4. I miss the way he would just shout out answers, usually incorrect, and our professor would make this strange noise that sounds like car tires screeching to a stop. The boy would smile, and throw us one of his usual phrases. :)

5. I miss just looking towards that part of the room and seeing him, he was so nice. Now I look in that direction and see this snobbish girl, and the two boys who constantly talk about sex and make fun of people in our class. He was the only good person over there.

6. I miss getting that baby smile from him if he ever caught me staring. It was actually pretty cute, and he fascinated me.

7. I miss that I may never find out his name... why didn't I ever ask?

8. I miss him... everything.

"So far away I wish you were here. Before it's too late this could all disappear."
From "Keep Holding On" by Avril Lavine.

"I have adopted him for a friend. You can do that to people you never even speak to at all. You can just watch them, and think about them, and be sorry for them, until they almost seem like relations..." -Ermengarde from A Little Princess

The Music Man was the best ever. I had a wonderful time, and met some really great friends. Everyone in that cast was nice, so it was so fun. I did get my first experience of trying to perform through an illness! I was really sick all day before Sunday's performance, but somehow managed to get myself well enough to perform. Happy about that.


I watched the Tony Awards a few weeks ago. Next to Normal... simply the best. I was SO impressed with their performance, and Alice Ripley is wonderful. She's so talented, I just hope I get to see her in a live show before I die. She's just... wow. I may be going to New York next summer, so I hope I will get to see that show. It would be a dream to see her in the role of Diana though... for me there is no other. :) Ha ha.

Feeling bored with not having a show to work on now. I may do tech for a children's show soon, so that would be great!

Welcome to....

Production Week! (aka-Hell week.)

Inherit the Wind went amazingly. Pure and simple.

I am addicted now... I auitioned for The Music Man and got the role of Ethel Toffelmier! Super excited for that. I'm in love with the stage.

So I'm missing people from the last show... very badly. That's one thing I do not like. Meeting wonderful people through shows then having to leave them. Sad.

For some reason I have taken interest in child beauty pageants... there are two shows about them on tv that I watch ALL THE TIME! Although I always watch Miss America and Miss Universe... Strange... but oh well.

I guess that's all. Boring, but I am not in the mood to do this type of writing at the moment... I'm feeling extreamly creative, so I must go write something more worthwhile than all of this ramble.

I Had Forgotten

I had forgotten about this blog site. I don't even have any friends on here, or anyone who knows about this. Well, one person knows about it I suppose.


Well, the last time I posted was in 2006.... maybe I should just blog about recent events. If anyone will even see this. Ha ha.


I finally got up the confidence to come out from the darkness of backstage and thrust myself into the light of the stage. I am in "Inherit the Wind." I'm Mrs. Blair, just an extra with several lines, but I feel like the leading lady. It's just so wonderful being on stage, and acting... gosh I don't even know how to describe this feeling. ("What is this feeling? Fervid as a flame, does it have a name?") Yes, I still love Wicked. Well, anyway it's so wonderful and I feel like crying just thinking about all of it. Sometimes I feel as if I can't get emotions across, or say lines the right way. I guess if I am not a very good actress, I should just work harder to get better. Although I have been told I do the sermon scene very well! "Amen!!! Praise you God!!!" Oh, I love acting like I'm filled with the spirit.


I guess that's really all I have to say for now. This feels more like a journal to me, because I really don't know of anyone who would read this. Maybe lots of people will, and I'm just "Oblivious to the World!" Thanks Sarah for that lovely insult.

Maybe I should make this a pillowbook... everyone should write one!!! It's kind of like a journal... only less organized and it's free, and it's whatever you want it to be. I love it.

Now, I'm really done. Didn't you know?? I am the queen of pointless ramble.