What I Don't Understand

I don't understand this world. I can't get a grasp on the place I have always lived in and always will live in. I can't understand why terrible things happen... today is my own personal remembrance day. Today I have shed many tears for three people, three deaths that I don't understand, and I know I never will.







1. JonBenet Ramsey. She was six years old. SIX. A baby really, a beautiful little baby, and someone drags her down to her basement, on Christmas, and brutally murders and rapes her. A little girl. She would be about my age now. For some reason she jumped into my thoughts today and I made the mistake of looking at pictures from her crime scene. Seeing her broken little body, cracked skull... I don't even want to write about it. Words can not express how terrible this is... why did she have to die? In such a terrible way no less. I want her killer found. I want whomever hurt this little girl to pay for what they did. I can't help crying when I think about how the last moments of her short life must have been for her. She must have been so scared... I'm done. I can't think about this anymore. I can't take it when people hurt children... and this was so much more than hurt.



2. My uncle Gary. His death has effected me so much more than I ever dreamed. I was OK at first, but the sadness is hitting me now, months after, just like when grandpa died. Death, and the sorrow that comes with it always hits me the hardest a long time after. I miss him. He always said the prayer at family holiday gatherings. I missed that this Christmas. I remember he had to get me out of the snowdrift I drove into in their driveway; in pitch darkness no less. I remember lighting fireworks at their house, and him trading his milk chocolate covered cherries for my dark chocolate ones. I hate dark chocolate and he liked it. I'm mad that he had to die when I believed and prayed so hard that he wouldn't. He did nothing to bring that on... yet Pam WILLINGLY does heroin and ends up giving herself a stroke from it and lives. Why is it that way? Nothing seems fair.

3. Heather Pick. My hero since middle school. I religiously watched her on the news every morning; she was my absolute favorite news anchor, and I so wanted to be like her. I considered her a role model, and absorbed everything she did and I dreamed of being like her one day. I found this link on the 10tv website where you could email her. I wanted to. I just wanted to tell her that I admire her, and that she is my inspiration to be a future news anchor. I never did it. I was too shy at the time... why didn't I just do it anyway? I don't even know who they hired to take her place... I stopped watching the news when she passed away. I couldn't handle watching and not seeing her face every morning, hearing her voice, seeing her smile. I searched the Internet today to find a video of her... I just wanted to hear her voice; I had forgotten what she sounds like. I found one and remembered immediately. She had little kids, she was married, she was young, she was my hero, all these reasons and more... I can't understand why she had to die. I can't even go to Columbus anymore without thinking about her, and sometimes I like it that way. I know I will never forget Heather, but it's nice to be reminded from time to time. I will always miss her, remember her, and she will always be one of my heroes.

Heather Pick (1970-2008)

You will always be loved, remembered, and missed.

These Dreams

A few months ago while I slept I had a dream that I was cast as Helen Keller in The Miracle Worker. Beth, naturally, was cast as Annie Sullivan and Sarah as Mrs. Keller. Well, last night I dreamed of a first rehearsal for The Miracle Worker. It was so weird. Everyone was in the same role as in the first dream, and it was like a continuation of the first dream I had a long time ago. I guess subconsciously I really want to play Helen Keller, but I know I never will unless I come across an all adult production of it... otherwise I don't have a chance! I guess that will only happen in my dreams, but either way I'm glad it's at least happening somewhere.


"These dreams go on when I close my eyes. Every second of the night I live another life. These dreams that sleep when it's cold outside. Every moment I'm awake the further I'm away."

This Day in History... December 9th 2009

There's a relentless wind blowing so hard the lights flicker and trees scream for mercy. Cars can't drive in a straight line, and I flinch driving under traffic lights, convinced one is going to break off and fall onto my car. People stumble around as if drunk just trying to keep their balance while walking around. Traffic lights were out so poor police officers had to brave the winds just to direct us safely through the intersection.

The snow serpents have boldly come out from their spring/summer/fall hibernation and slither across the roadway only to be run over by passing vehicles. Somehow, they always regroup and escape unharmed. I'm fascinated with them.

I heard Simple Minds "Don't You Forget About Me" twice on the way home from two different radio stations, exams are over and I'm done with school till January.

Driving at night while it's snowing looks like you are driving straight through the stars.


"Don't you forget about me. I'll be alone dancing, you know it, baby. Going to take you apart. I'll put us back together at heart, baby."