Friends Forever

Today I found a paper that I wrote some time ago. It's not dated, but I know exactly when it's from...it's from when I didn't have the friends I have now. Real friends. It's from a time when I dreaded being with those I called "friends." They weren't my friends... I always thought they were, as they were all I had, but now that I have the people I do, I can't help but smile to see the change in me since I wrote this dreadful paper....


I'm in one of my moods. Feelings of sadness overwhelm me at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes I wonder if social situations depress me. When the feelings hit, all at once and so powerfully like a tsunami, all I want to do is stay home and write. Or maybe this is what creativity feels like. After all, I do my best writing when I'm feeling this way. Maybe my creativity is just stubborn: only wanting to make an appearance when I don't have time to cater to it. Or maybe it's just a chain created by my insecurities....

Social Situation -> Insecurity -> Becoming Upset -> Creativity.

If I were a robot that would be the code for programing me to work efficiently.

Friday night boredom, loneliness, having a bad hair day, people who insist upon making nasty comments.... It's all just fuel to the fire of my soul which i must then spill out onto unsuspecting pages.

I've never felt this way with any of my new friends...not once. Why? Because I know they like me for ME. I don't have to do things I don't want to do to make them like me. I don't have to be a bully to fit in with them. I never knew friendship could be so utterly blissful until I found these true friends. I've learned what it means to be a friend, and that "good friends" don't just exist on tv. Every tear, struggle, disappointment and heartache I ever suffered with old friends seems so far away and long ago... almost forgotten until finding this note to myself. But I'm glad I found it. Such a perfect reminder of hard times past, and bringing the revelation of this blessing I've been given... the blessing of true friendships.

All my love to: Angela, Kelli, Kesha, Katie, "Ashley Cousin," Alicia, Ashley, Jason, and Amanda. I love you all...the first true friends I've ever really had.

Letters to God

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." John 14:1.

Not three minutes after I got into my car I heard this Bible verse on KLOVE. It's so amazing how God listens and puts little messages, or even straight scripture out there for you to stumble upon when you need it most. Right then and there I decided to trust God completely with Kesha, and gave everything over to Him. I feel so much better and I can have real honest hope now that I've given every worry over to Him. I can focus on all of the good that can happen..and I believe it really will.

Dear God,

Thank you for hearing our prayers for our dear Kesha. The news today was hopeful, and I pray that tomorrow all of her relentless pain will be gone. Please continue to comfort her and be with her tonight and through the surgery tomorrow. Remind her that you're there and to keep on trusting in you...she really does. I pray that he surgery goes well, as I know there are risks with any surgery. Guide the doctors hands to do the job right, and keep a protective hand upon Kesha. I pray that the surgery will be a success and she will recover just fine, effortlessly, and with little or even NO pain. I also pray that the biopsy results come back clean and positive. Give Ronnie strength as he deals with her being sick. Thank you God for never going back on your promises, and I know you're always with us and with her. I also thank you for your Word, God, as it has offered great comfort during this time of great fear for me. You always know exactly what you're doing and I know you put this passage of your Word on the radio right when I needed to hear it. Thank you for your reminders and continue to guide me with your strong hand. I put my trust in you God...help me to do that everyday, as I know I'll slip back into constant worry for my dear cousin. I just love her so much. And God...I know you're hearing this written prayer, and the one from yesterday, and all others I have written to you. You gave me this gift of words and the gift of expressing myself best through writing; I truly believe you're hearing every word as I write it...my own personal way of praying. I praise you for your comfort, your protection, and your love. I dedicate this entire prayer to Kesha and Ronnie; I know you hear it and will do the very best for her.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Dear God,

Be with her. Send your angels to hold her hand through all of this. Please God... if nothing else just take away her pain. She's been in so much pain for so long... please just take it away. If someone must have it just give it to me. I would willingly take it as long as she wouldn't have to feel it anymore. I pray that it's nothing too extremely serious. Don't let it be her cancer from so long ago. You saved her from that, the doctors called her a miracle, don't give it back to her now. I beg of you. I love her so much God. She's done wonders for me, and a big reason why I decided to come back into your arms. Don't take her from me. From anyone...as she is loved by so many. I know your plans are perfect, and everything happens in your perfect timing...but in my heart of hearts I just can't believe it's her time. I don't even know if the situation could be serious enough to cause her death God, but if it is I just pray that you don't let it happen. Not this way...not now. I want to see her again. Alive and well. You know how strong my love for people is, you gave me this heart, and I want to be near her again one day. Not standing over her casket...but sitting next to her eating the ice cream we both love so much. She's become so important to me. More than just a distant cousin...she's become my mother, my sister, my spiritual leader, my confidante...my friend somehow all wrapped into one. A blessing to my life and to so many others. I know she's wonderful and I bet you can't wait to get her back up to Heaven with you...but forgive me Lord as I be a little selfish and ask you to keep her here. God, I don't even know if she's dying but it's all I can seem to think about. Please calm that fear in me and help me to be hopeful, optimistic, strong and trust completely in you. Guide the doctor's hands and help them to do the very best for her. Be with Kesha, Ronnie, and our entire family. We trust in you God. Please take care of her...my angel on Earth.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.