Ruth

I was thinking of Ruth today. My "Nanny." I smile despite the tears that rise in my eyes to even write that name. Memories so good, but so heartbreaking to be away. When she said goodbye to me she held my face in her hands then my body in her arms. I got into my car and was sobbing before I even reached the freeway; big crocodile tears with the vocal moaning people tend to use when they fake cry. I kept crying out her name "Nanny, Nanny," "I want my Nanny." I couldn't control myself...or maybe I just didn't want to. I've never cried so hard in my life. Sometimes, on nights similar to this, I'll be watching t.v or washing the dishes and I'll think of her; I'll think of her smile, her eyes so full of love...the real thing, the way her arms seem to envelop me: protecting me from anything outside of them...and I'll cry. My heart bursts with love and with sorrow.

Tonight was one of those nights. The very second the first tear was about to fall my phone rings. "Nanny Ruth" it says. In that instant tears of sorrow turned to tears of joy before they could even fall. I was excited beyond description. Oh Lord, to hear her voice again... she sounds exactly the same. I closed my eyes and listened to her voice and it was like she was right there with me once again. We talked for an hour; it was nothing short of bliss. We plan to see each other next week. I can't wait...I love my "Nanny." I love you, Ruth.

And oh, I thank God for His love, His kindness, His perfect timing. When I told her I was glad she called she said she just felt like she needed to tonight. That feeling came from God I know it. He gave her her heart too. A heart that loves so fully and without judgment. She makes me feel like a child who just wants to sit on her lap or next to her in a big chair and have her call me honey and pet my hair and talk about things and hold me if I cry. Speaking to her on the phone did wonders for me...for my heart.

I know that tomorrow I'll wake to smiles all over my pillow.

Childhood's End

My blackening balloon hides of the ceiling
they can't reach the string
but we can't stop the peeling.

I took my black balloon to the beach
and tied to my wrist we splashed in the sea.
They're getting close, you're almost in their reach
I know one day I will have to set you free.

I'll cling to your string if you fly me away,
or maybe we'll just run in the other direction.
Just stay on our path and never stray
race as fast as we can to the inevitable intersection.

We were jettisoned into the eye of the storm
I land on a bed of leaves....you on a single thorn.
This is your end, as the air flows from your tiny hole, you lose your perfect form
I'll hold you until you're gone; my world, my friend, since the day I was born.

Friends Forever

Today I found a paper that I wrote some time ago. It's not dated, but I know exactly when it's from...it's from when I didn't have the friends I have now. Real friends. It's from a time when I dreaded being with those I called "friends." They weren't my friends... I always thought they were, as they were all I had, but now that I have the people I do, I can't help but smile to see the change in me since I wrote this dreadful paper....


I'm in one of my moods. Feelings of sadness overwhelm me at the most inconvenient times. Sometimes I wonder if social situations depress me. When the feelings hit, all at once and so powerfully like a tsunami, all I want to do is stay home and write. Or maybe this is what creativity feels like. After all, I do my best writing when I'm feeling this way. Maybe my creativity is just stubborn: only wanting to make an appearance when I don't have time to cater to it. Or maybe it's just a chain created by my insecurities....

Social Situation -> Insecurity -> Becoming Upset -> Creativity.

If I were a robot that would be the code for programing me to work efficiently.

Friday night boredom, loneliness, having a bad hair day, people who insist upon making nasty comments.... It's all just fuel to the fire of my soul which i must then spill out onto unsuspecting pages.

I've never felt this way with any of my new friends...not once. Why? Because I know they like me for ME. I don't have to do things I don't want to do to make them like me. I don't have to be a bully to fit in with them. I never knew friendship could be so utterly blissful until I found these true friends. I've learned what it means to be a friend, and that "good friends" don't just exist on tv. Every tear, struggle, disappointment and heartache I ever suffered with old friends seems so far away and long ago... almost forgotten until finding this note to myself. But I'm glad I found it. Such a perfect reminder of hard times past, and bringing the revelation of this blessing I've been given... the blessing of true friendships.

All my love to: Angela, Kelli, Kesha, Katie, "Ashley Cousin," Alicia, Ashley, Jason, and Amanda. I love you all...the first true friends I've ever really had.

Letters to God

"Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me." John 14:1.

Not three minutes after I got into my car I heard this Bible verse on KLOVE. It's so amazing how God listens and puts little messages, or even straight scripture out there for you to stumble upon when you need it most. Right then and there I decided to trust God completely with Kesha, and gave everything over to Him. I feel so much better and I can have real honest hope now that I've given every worry over to Him. I can focus on all of the good that can happen..and I believe it really will.

Dear God,

Thank you for hearing our prayers for our dear Kesha. The news today was hopeful, and I pray that tomorrow all of her relentless pain will be gone. Please continue to comfort her and be with her tonight and through the surgery tomorrow. Remind her that you're there and to keep on trusting in you...she really does. I pray that he surgery goes well, as I know there are risks with any surgery. Guide the doctors hands to do the job right, and keep a protective hand upon Kesha. I pray that the surgery will be a success and she will recover just fine, effortlessly, and with little or even NO pain. I also pray that the biopsy results come back clean and positive. Give Ronnie strength as he deals with her being sick. Thank you God for never going back on your promises, and I know you're always with us and with her. I also thank you for your Word, God, as it has offered great comfort during this time of great fear for me. You always know exactly what you're doing and I know you put this passage of your Word on the radio right when I needed to hear it. Thank you for your reminders and continue to guide me with your strong hand. I put my trust in you God...help me to do that everyday, as I know I'll slip back into constant worry for my dear cousin. I just love her so much. And God...I know you're hearing this written prayer, and the one from yesterday, and all others I have written to you. You gave me this gift of words and the gift of expressing myself best through writing; I truly believe you're hearing every word as I write it...my own personal way of praying. I praise you for your comfort, your protection, and your love. I dedicate this entire prayer to Kesha and Ronnie; I know you hear it and will do the very best for her.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.

Dear God,

Be with her. Send your angels to hold her hand through all of this. Please God... if nothing else just take away her pain. She's been in so much pain for so long... please just take it away. If someone must have it just give it to me. I would willingly take it as long as she wouldn't have to feel it anymore. I pray that it's nothing too extremely serious. Don't let it be her cancer from so long ago. You saved her from that, the doctors called her a miracle, don't give it back to her now. I beg of you. I love her so much God. She's done wonders for me, and a big reason why I decided to come back into your arms. Don't take her from me. From anyone...as she is loved by so many. I know your plans are perfect, and everything happens in your perfect timing...but in my heart of hearts I just can't believe it's her time. I don't even know if the situation could be serious enough to cause her death God, but if it is I just pray that you don't let it happen. Not this way...not now. I want to see her again. Alive and well. You know how strong my love for people is, you gave me this heart, and I want to be near her again one day. Not standing over her casket...but sitting next to her eating the ice cream we both love so much. She's become so important to me. More than just a distant cousin...she's become my mother, my sister, my spiritual leader, my confidante...my friend somehow all wrapped into one. A blessing to my life and to so many others. I know she's wonderful and I bet you can't wait to get her back up to Heaven with you...but forgive me Lord as I be a little selfish and ask you to keep her here. God, I don't even know if she's dying but it's all I can seem to think about. Please calm that fear in me and help me to be hopeful, optimistic, strong and trust completely in you. Guide the doctor's hands and help them to do the very best for her. Be with Kesha, Ronnie, and our entire family. We trust in you God. Please take care of her...my angel on Earth.

In your precious name I pray. Amen.

True

For you. All the words I can't say, all of the emotions my heart feels. Well... not all...but I guess it's a good start. You're such a wonderful friend, so take these lyrics in that way. I hope I never lose you.

Excerpt from True by Ryan Cabrera

You might think I don't look
But deep inside the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you.

I'm weak, it's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me too?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster.

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true.

You don't know what you do
Every time you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move.

I'm weak, it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know you met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true.

I think you might be weired out if you ever saw this and knew it was all about you...but it's my heart. My heart that loves so strongly I'm a stranger even to myself.

I'll always care for you and I'll always love you in some way or another...whatever love really means.

The Feeling of Spring

I've never much cared for the changing of seasons. I didn't cringe with snow and rejoice for spring. I just took each season as it was, for the beauty each brings... but today spring hit me hard. It was perfect, really. I walked around campus without a coat or even a jacket and it felt SO good. I even parked in the lot furthest away from my building just so I would have to walk that much further in the world around me. Plus I was emerging from a brutal two hour art history lecture so that made the outside world even better.

Driving home I turned the air conditioner on full blast and didn't once feel cold. So I'm driving and all of the sudden I get this scent of freshly cut grass in my nose. Freshly cut grass that I have always said smells just like watermelon. As quickly as it came it was gone, but it didn't take my smile with it. I also saw lots of daffodils blooming in people's yards and it reminded me of childhood when my sister and I would pick them from our neighbor's yard; with her permission of course.



It's days like these with perfect weather that make me feel so alive and free and happy. I love the feeling of my hair blowing back in the air conditioner, wearing sunglasses, and turning up my radio full blast and singing, especially to Lady Gaga. Despite never caring what season it is, I'm glad it's finally spring now!!! Besides, everyone seems to be in a better mood now that it's not so cold!

Forever in the Wake of Your Smile

She's got a smile that makes you want to be her friend. Something about it makes you feel confident, safe, fun and happy. Her smile brings you visions of bright summer days, you both running barefoot on a beach (even though you live nowhere near one). You can clearly see her smile burst into laughter as you race her to the waves, she's smiling bright as the sunshine above when you whisper secrets in each other's ears. You can see her face light up as she bends down to pick up a brilliantly fabricated piece of sea glass that you never saw because you couldn't look away from that tiny grin she wears when she speaks. Foolishly, you begin to believe that she, with a smile so perfect and genuine, never cries. It’s a discomfort to think of her in pain, for that smile to be turned on its head as salty tears play at the corners of a frown, so you just don’t think of it at all.

In all reality, she’s not your best friend, simply an acquaintance you chat with from time to time. Oh, but when you’re together you absorb that smile like a sponge to save for when you’re feeling lonely. Sometimes you even strive to make her laugh just to catch a glimpse of what you love so very much. When you get your rise and etch that dazzling curvature of the mouth into your mind, you cling to it all day until your eyes grow heavy and you fall into a content slumber. Maybe if you’re lucky she’ll even be in your dreams smiling the way you always wished you could. That smile, the way her tongue pokes slightly through her impossibly white teeth, has become your entire world, and as you gaze out of the asylum window, the same one you've seen the world through for the past six years, all you can see is her: standing on a sandy beach, holding that perfect piece of sea glass in one hand, waving to you with the other...and smiling.

"I Would Follow You to the Ends of the Earth."

"...I see people with problems that no one ought to have. Compared to that, you've got a great life ahead of you."

"And you know this because you let me look at some autopsy photos with you?"

"I know that any guy who's got someone like Shelby waiting for him has no right to be thinking of killing himself."

Ross tilted his head. "You love her?"

Eli nodded. "Yeah. I think so."

"If she moved to Burlington, would you move?"

"Uh-huh."

"How about if she moved to Seattle?"

Eli hesitated, and then felt something loosen in his chest. "You know, I would."

"How about if she moved somewhere even harder to get to?"

"Like New Zealand? Yeah," Eli said. "When someone loves you up one side and down the other like that, you make every effort to stick around."

"Well, what if the place she moved to was even harder to get to than New Zealand? A place you couldn't get to by boat or by plane or even by f****** rocketship? What if she went somewhere and the only way you could follow was to put a bullet through your head or hang yourself from your closet rack or run your car in a closed garage?" I did it because I loved someone up one side and down the other like that," Ross said. "Not in spite of it."

Excerpt from Jodi Picoult's "Second Glance."

To My Friend

Dear Beth,

While doing the dishes today I was reminded of when Laura called me when Beth was killed. All she said was "I have some bad news. Beth was killed by a drunk driver last night." I thought she meant you. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I couldn't breathe. Beth, my Beth, was dead. Your memory flooded me with the force of a tsunami and I had to steady myself against the wall. I suddenly remembered having gym with you my freshman year; how you didn't like me, praised the person who accidentally hurt me in gym... and then how one day we were forced to be partners and how we became friends. We walked with me to my locker and opened it for me when, as a freshman, I didn't have the hang of it yet. I felt even worse than the day in gym when you got really sick and I had to go to choir without you. I was scared for you, we all were, but you came into choir, late, but you were there. I was so relieved.

I wanted to cry, but the lack of air wouldn't let me. Somehow I manged out a "What? Beth... Campbell?" I couldn't believe it; I wouldn't. Just when the sky was about to fall down on me Laura said three words that held most of it up. "No, Beth Faulkner." Before the feeling of sorrow for Beth could hit all I felt was relief. I felt so light that at any moment I would be able to fly away on the slightest breeze. You were alive. ALIVE!!!! I was going to see you again; your life had not been ended way too soon. I love you Beth.

Then of course the sadness for Beth set in, but this letter is more about you.

I praised God for your safety. Just the belief of you being dead was enough to kill me...imagine if it was true.

I value you so much. I may not like everything you do, or even the way you treat me sometimes, but I still love you and always will. I'm so proud of you and everything you're doing. There's nothing you can say or do that will make me abandon you. I'll always consider you a friend.

Love,
Jenny

Second Glance

I've started reading Jodi Picoult again. I bought four of her books from Walden's when we closed. I've read them all, it took a whole year to do so, and I vowed to take a year and read other authors. I have been... but I have to go back to Jodi every once in a while. I just can't stay away. I discovered her books at such a time in my life when I really needed them. Her words filled my long lonely days; her stories pulled me into another world and I was able to escape this one... if only for a little while. I've really loved the new books by other authors I have been reading, but I find that, every so often, I need to fall back into the comfort of the books that I adore so much.

Currently reading one of my favorites: Second Glance. Perfect title to begin with because that's literally what I am doing to by beloved Jodi Picoult books.

I'll See You Someday

Someday... and it won't just be in a silly little dream. I dreamed of you last night. She wasn't you really, but she looked just like you; your twin. I think it was my brain's way of reminding me that you haven't crossed it in a while. When I said goodbye to you in the dark school parking lot that summer I thought there would never be a day where I didn't think of you... I was wrong. I haven't thought of you in a really long time. But I haven't forgotten you. I know for certain that I never will. I promise.

You were the best teacher I had ever had up to that point in my life. You weren't just my English/Drama teacher... you were my friend. I remember our long talks after school and how I helped you with papers and such. We talked, we laughed, you protected me from Adam, you were my superhero, my safe place, the best part of school was just coming to your classes. That last year I had three classes a day with you. It was sheer bliss.

I can't remember everything about you anymore. I hate that. It's so trivial that even when someone meant so much to you, you're still able to forget certain things about them. I vaguely remember your walk. I can't remember that pair of earrings you wore quite often that I adored, or what most of our endless chats were about. I remember your voice though. I remember your smile, let it shine on, I remember the safeness I felt with you, how much I trusted you, your laugh; it's the same laugh I adopted for a short period of time. I didn't try to, honestly, it's just that I heard it so much from you it just grew on me... became me. Remember that group trip to see Wicked? We requested that our seats be next to one another. And they were. We had a delightful time. And then... when we got back to the school, we knew that this moment was the last. You wouldn't be coming back next year. That fact alone tore me apart. You hugged me goodbye. So long.

I saw you about a year ago in Walmart. Relentless excitement bubbled within me, and I called out to you. After three incorrect guesses I reminded you of my name. You knew me, but couldn't remember my name...that hurt my feelings. Our reunion was short and slightly awkward. You didn't even look like yourself. Something was different, you had let yourself go... or so it seemed. I don't care anymore that you couldn't remember me so quickly. I still love you. It's impossible for me not too. No matter what, I can't forget that year we had together and if one day you look into my eyes and don't even recall my face it will just be ok. I'll never forget you, and somehow thats good enough for me.

I may not think of you always as I once vowed to do, but I know you will never stop crossing my mind from time to time. My mind simply won't let you sit in one place for too long. You were so special to me, and always will be. Maybe one day our paths will cross once again and you'll see the girl that you helped to shape into what she is today. I miss you and I love you.

I'll be seeing you.