5 Things I am Thankful For
1. My friends. I may not have many, but I've discovered that it doesn't matter because the few that I have are top notch. The best, no exaggeration. Before this week of endless pondering I was so glad to have them, but wished I had more. Now I know that even if I never make another friend in my life as long as I keep the ones I have now I'll be very rich. Like "they" always say... it's quality not quantity. I now know how blessed I am to have them, even if they are few. They're the best, and what more could I ask for? I could write novels on them, and still never be able to express how much I value and love them; so this will just have to do. All my love to Angela, Ashley Cousin, Ashley, and Amanda. My angels in disguise.
2. That my Dad and I are seeming to... dare I say... connect? The other day when I came home from work he actually turned off the TV and talked to me... just talked. I sat on the couch with him and we had a nice conversation with many laughs. It was strange just sitting and talking to him, but it was really nice too. In the days that have followed he is talking to me more than ever, nothing emotional or personal, but it's a start. He seems to be a whole different person. I don't know what's going on, but I hope it never goes away. I like having a Dad who is like this compared to how he was in the past.
3. I'm thankful for the thoughts that are coming out of being so sick all the time. It's hard to say I am glad for this in itself... because I'm not. I'm glad for what it has forced me to think about, and what realizations have come from it. Among other things, I've thought a lot about quality of life; whether this is worth living. As much as I thought it wasn't... I know that it really is. Take illness from the picture and look at all the positive that I have. I feel ashamed that I let all this cover it all up, but I'm coming to learn who I want to be. I've sat back and watched myself fall so far into sorrow that I felt on the brink of taking my own life. I hated my life and who I was. I wanted to give up. In God's perfect timing, on one of my worst days, he put "The Words I Would Say" by The Sidewalk Prophets on the radio and it totally changed by outlook on things.
"Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope. You're gonna do great things I already know. God's got his hand on you so don't live life in fear. Forgive and forget, but don't forget why you're here..."
It really made me think. Just because I'm going through a hard time right now doesn't mean my life is over. I may have to make adjustments, or it may go away soon. I don't know. All I know is that I can't give up hope, and I never will. I know I'm still going to have bad days, and probably get those feelings back, but I'm never going to let things get so out of control again to where I seriously consider hurting myself. I have so many other things causing me pain right now, I don't want to contribute. And no matter how many times I wish I were dead, even long for death, I will never end my life myself. I want to be stronger than that.Things WILL get better and I don't want to be gone and miss it all.
4. Music. As I mentioned before it makes me think. Also, it's become my comfort over the years. Often times when I was upset, and I had no one to help me, the only person there for me was me.... and music. Music developed into that kind word or simple hug I was longing for. Hearing my voice alongside the singer's, feeling the vibration in my throat and on my lips does wonders for me. I don't even have to be singing a song that has any relevance to the situation; merely just a great tune, or one that I really believe in will do the trick. I'll sing, loudly, off key, full of emotion, and I'll cry, or feel so much better when I'm done. It's just like telling my problems to someone; good therapy. Music is the friend that you can call at 3a.m, and is never ever busy. It's very life purpose is to comfort you anytime you need it. Music had always been a comfort and I know that will never change.
5. My job. It may be boring at times, but I still love it. I love working with people, and I love working around so many books. It's so perfect that I have a job that will fund college and that I actually enjoy. I'm not thankful that the store is closing soon, but I am glad to have had it for a while then not at all. I like the people I work with, and I will be sad to say goodbye.
There are so many things I am thankful for, but I think it might be impossible, and pointless to list them all. The five above are the biggest things right now, so that will suffice.
6. I'm thankful for this list. It's just a reminder of the good things I have and really made me sit and think about all the blessings that I have.
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