What I'm tired of... no holding back

So much... so much everything. I'm so close to the point of not being able to take it anymore. This week has been terrible, and it's really opened my eyes to myself and who I am becoming; or maybe who I have always been.

Everything is just so wrong. I'm so tired all the time. Physically and emotionally. I'm to the point where I don't even want to get up out of bed anymore because I know I'm getting up to a bad day no matter how hard I try to make it good. I'm always on the edge and any ordinary thing makes me cry. My temper is massive short. I walk around feeling as if I have not slept in days and nothing gets my energy level up. I'll go a while feeling great then wake one morning sick all over again. Will it never end?

I'm tired of people telling me that things I care about are "no big deal." Yes, no big deal even though you can clearly see I am upset... yeah... not a problem for YOU! But for me it's the world. I wish I could be understood.

I'm tired of my aunts talking behind my back saying "Why won't Jenny date anyone?" WHY? Probably because ( and you wouldn't know because you don't care enough to know me) I am NOT like Ashley, or any of my cousins. That's why. I'm not this pretty little girl who can get pretty much any guy she wants. Why won't I date anyone? No one has ever asked. No one cares or is interested. If you would ask me instead of gossiping about me I could tell you all this. I would tell you that dating is a mutual thing and as much as I would love a boyfriend, someone has to feel the same way; which they don't... they never have.

I'm tired of feeling so lonely. I can't even type that word now without crying. Loneliness is the worst thing for me right now. I don't know whats so wrong with me that I'm not good enough to date or be a friend to. The VERY few friends I have I can't understand. Why are THEY friends with me when others are not? What do they see in me? Or what are they missing that everyone else in the world can see? But as much as I don't understand, I praise God everyday for them. One in particular. For without her, I would truely be alone in all of this.

I'm tired of crying; I can't seem to stop. I cry because I'm lonely, I'm sick, I'm tired, because I'm alive... Sometimes even the simple everyday things make me cry. A N Y T H I N G. I can look at the clock and tear up... I'm crying several times a day, and I'm getting headaches from it. Who am I becoming? For a while there I was so happy, and I liked who I was.... then all of this sickness crap hit and it's completely changed me. One day I will be happy as a lark, and the next be so sad that I really want to die. I'm afraid of my thoughts... I'm afriad of myself.

I'm tired of vomit. I feel like the better part of my life is being spend in a bathroom with my head in a toilet. It's hurting me on so many levels. I constantly have sore throats from stomach acid, and I fear throat cancer in the future. And when I don't feel well I cry. And I think about dying. I have moved past thinking about just being dead, by an accident or something, to dying by my own hand. Right now I feel that it's not worth it. Who wants to live out a sad, lonely, sickness filled, miserable life? I could so easily end it all, I'm so powerful, and that scares me. Which brings me back to that friend... when I am at my lowest wanting to die I think about her, how much I love her, how happy she makes me, what she means to me, what she has done for me, and I know despite all the sorrow, she's worth sticking around for. Maybe the only thing worth sticking around for right now. I know God brought her to me for this reason. Literally, we had been friends for a few weeks before all of this happened, and she's the only one I can talk to. I cringe to think what state I would be in if we had never met. She keeps me grounded, and a little less alone. More about her later.

Tired is my world... for this week anyway. Things change so quickly, so I have hope that next week, or even tomorrow, will be better. I may regret posting this... but it's who I am, what I am feeling. If I don't get this out it may just keep building until I burst from all the pressure.


On a happy note... there was the cutest little baby at work today. A little Mexican girl with jet black hair running as best as she could being only 2 years old. She was so happy, and so excited to see everything and everybody. She made me smile and giggle, she was just so adorable. Plus there were lots of children all dressed up to get pictures with Santa. They all looked so precious.